so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
