There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
