I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
