you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize