I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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