my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
