Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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