Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Randomize
