He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
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super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
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Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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