my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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