DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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