Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Randomize
