Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He? As in you personified your dick?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
