After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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