He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
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