we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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