you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
