Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
