My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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