I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Semen is not good for contacts.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
