A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i will never coherently bang her
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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