the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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