woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
