so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
