is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
