Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
