Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
