So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
