this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
