I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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