God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
