I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Mom said you looked used
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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