Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
he high fived his dick after we had sex
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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