You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
