My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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