I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
