season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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