I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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