Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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