can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
