I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
40s are totally the cure
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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