i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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