booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
