I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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