i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
