I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
