best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
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he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
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Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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