Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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