Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
