he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
