Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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