i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
