Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
