The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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