Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
