Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
