This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
