At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
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I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
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Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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