How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
