Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We need to get me chipped asap
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
