I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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