Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
